Did you get what you expected?
- Dr Andrea Haas
- Aug 4
- 5 min read
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Expectations and assumptions.
She’d spent so much time and effort organising the best birthday event for her mother, from finding the best caterers and a band, to sending out invitations well in advance. She’d done more gardening than normal. She had in her head exactly how the party was going to go, and it included the word perfect! And she expected it to go perfectly. However, at the end of the event, she felt exhausted and disappointed because, in her eyes, it hadn’t gone very well, hadn’t met up to her expectations. She hadn’t enjoyed it. All she could do was focus on the things that weren’t quite right.
Ask any of the guests, though, and they all thought it was a fabulous day, and everything was perfect. They, on the other hand, had very different expectations. They were looking forward to the event in some way. Some would have been looking forward to catching up with family and friends they hadn’t seen in a while. Others perhaps enjoyed the food and music, and having fun. Yet, they’d all have been to the same event.
Expectations and assumptions are one of the biggest causes of unhappiness.
Major life events can cause disappointment and resentment. We all have expectations about how life should be done. Years ago, my neighbour was upset because his granddaughter had suddenly got married in South Africa while on her world travels. Actually, he was more upset for his daughter than the actual trigger. His daughter, her mother, was beside herself with the knowledge. This was because she expected that when her daughter got married, it would be done the normal way. The normal way in her head was how she thought most people did it. She assumed this would happen. But what is normal? What was it that she expected? It’s different for everyone.
It’s not just the major events that can trigger disappointment and bitterness; the everyday little things can too. You assumed your best friend would invite you to her 60th, but she didn’t. Your husband said he was going to take you out as a surprise for your birthday. You had this picture in your mind as to what you were going to do. You assumed this was going to happen. But it wasn’t like that at all, and you found the evening a huge disappointment for you.
Building pictures and disappointment
We’re all at risk of disappointment through assumptions and expectations that often lurk on a subconscious level. We were not aware it was something we were expecting or assuming until we felt disappointment or resentment. A lot of it is due to subconscious programming and long-held beliefs about life. We carry these pictures around in our head of what we’re expecting to happen. This is picture building. Your brain automatically builds pictures in your mind of how things are going to work out. It can’t help it. When a child listens to a story, he is automatically picturing it in his mind. You’ve booked a two-week holiday in a lovely resort where the weather is expected to be beautiful. A friend told you about it, and through your friend’s description you have built a picture. You imagine the room, the food, the weather, the beach. But it may not work out like that, and if it doesn’t, it can potentially lead to disappointment.
Getting over disappointment from an expectation or assumption.
Expectations and assumptions are all around us, so how can you recover quickly from feeling disappointed, or resentment from expectations not being met? Disappointment is a negative emotion, and it comes from focusing on the negatives. And the more you focus on the negatives, the more you see! It can be challenging to break this cycle but there are positives to be found in all situations.
If we go back to the situation of my neighbour’s granddaughter getting married whilst travelling, disappointment can be let go of by focusing on the positives of the situation. Being happy for his granddaughter finding someone to settle down with would be a good place to start. Having a wedding this way would certainly have avoided the stress of 18 months of planning a big wedding and the huge expense.
Finding positives around a situation may mean putting some quiet time aside and reflecting on the situation. Writing down the positives is a useful exercise and allows you to come back to your list when disappointment, or resentment or other negative emotions start to rear their ugly heads.
Avoiding assumptions and expectations
This can be challenging, because firstly realising there was an expectation lurking behind the event often doesn’t occur until you feel disappointment or resentment after the incident. And, secondly, some events are sprung on you, such as the unexpected wedding. However, for things that are preplanned, there are a few things you can do to prepare yourself:
Set an intention.
What do you want to get out of it? By setting an intention, the mind becomes focused and helps create the outcome. Many years ago, having recently moved to a new area, I wanted to find a local business networking group. Having had no luck finding anything online, I decided to attend an online meeting and set the intention of finding a local group. In the first breakout group, after we’d all introduced ourselves, before I could even ask the question, a woman piped up that she was local and invited me to attend her next local business meeting in a few weeks. My intention had been answered. I left the meeting feeling elated. Had I not set an intention, my feelings would have been very different.
Be curious.
With all the constant internal chatter that goes on in your head, the quiet picture being built about an upcoming event can often go unnoticed. But being curious by asking yourself open questions flips the brain to thinking differently. It is particularly helpful in challenging situations. Many years ago, I was asked to walk up and down Reading High Street on a regular basis, approaching people about a product I was promoting. I really dreaded doing this for many reasons. But what I learnt was that if I asked myself the question: I wonder who I’ll meet? I wonder what interesting conversations I’m going to have? I felt completely different about the activity. How I felt shifted to one of excitement. I approached people with a different mindset, which then resulted in a different outcome.
Focus on the positives:
Every situation has positives to it, if you look hard enough. Even going to the dentist! Again, finding those positives may require some time to reflect on the situation coming up. Putting time aside and writing down your thoughts again is helpful. You can then refer back to them when you need to.
If any of this resonates, why not book a free 20-minute call with me to discuss how I may be able to help? This can be booked through my website.
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