What a Revelation!

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A revelation

8:08

Are there aspects about “you” that you just can’t fathom out? Maybe there are situations or behaviours in yourself you don’t quite understand, and you can’t put your finger on why. They should feel normal, because everyone else seems to be ok, yet you feel a subtle discomfort. Or maybe you are driven to behave in a certain way because that feels normal, but reflecting later, it may have ruffled others. And then there are situations that just happen, and you don’t know why.

Here are a few examples that I’ve been contemplating. 

My behaviour at times may have seemed unsociable, especially when working as a doctor and interacting with my colleagues. After a morning in the clinic, seeing patients nonstop and interacting with the staff, I couldn’t wait to jump in my car and get home to be on my own and do something for myself. During lunch breaks, between clinics, I often had lunch on my own, away from everyone. I wanted to change but something on a subconscious level wasn’t allowing me to. On the other hand, I could be sociable when I had the energy. 

Another example, I’ve never worked full-time apart from the first 18 months of my career. At that point, I worked over 70 hours a week. Working part-time may seem lazy, especially when I was younger and had no children or other commitments. But on a subconscious level, I knew that working full-time wasn’t right for me. I did a 9-month spell of working full-time, with face-to-face contact with patients the whole week. I was doing three separate jobs, which didn’t help. This nearly broke me emotionally and mentally, and I actively found a way to change this by dropping one of my several jobs. But I wondered why I found it challenging, when all my colleagues seemed to manage fine working full-time. 

And then, jobs seemed to fall into my lap. I never seemed to actively search for work. And actually, the thought of applying and filling out a CV seemed totally overwhelming. But luckily, jobs seemed to appear from nowhere. When I was made redundant, a friend told me that I couldn’t just sit at home and wait for a job to appear; I should be out there hunting. On a logical level, I knew he was right,  but it didn’t feel comfortable or right to be job searching. It wasn’t long before another job came up, through a colleague who recommended me to a clinic. And looking back, apart from my initial house jobs and working 6 months in A & E, I’ve never had to apply for a job. They have all come through recommendations. I was on a skiing trip with other medics, and one of the consultants on the trip invited me to come for an interview. This is how I got a job working in a London hospital. I had a spell working for the army, again through invitation. I came home one day, and there was a message left on my answering machine saying that they’d read my CV and would I like to come in for a chat. Why did jobs seem to appear without my taking any action?

Another situation was being in small groups. I always sat back and watched and listened. I was much more comfortable doing this than contributing. I put this down to a lack of confidence, but it was more subtle than that. If I were to get involved and say something, I never felt heard. My comments were brushed off. So, I always waited until I was asked my opinion. I then found people listened.   

And something else I’ve realised is that ever since I can remember, I’ve been working on myself and looking for a reason to be on this planet. It’s an almost obsessive drive, and exhausting at times. And frustrating, because after all this time, I seem to be no closer to the answer! What was my purpose? I was addicted to self-help books of all kinds, fitness, health, emotional well-being and mindset. I was constantly taking courses to better myself.

The answer!   

hen I came across Human Design, and it all started to fall into place.  Human Design is the unique energy blueprint of yourself, worked out by putting your date of birth, time of birth and place of birth into a programme. It works on astrology but also has elements of the Hindu chakra system, the tree of life from Kabbalah and quantum physics. It gives you a picture of your strengths and weaknesses, your talents and gifts. 

At the core of this are the five energy types, which all have their own strategy. I am a Projector, and the main strategy is to wait for the invitation. What a revelation this was. And this means waiting for the invitation in all areas of my life. This doesn’t mean I should sit back and wait. While waiting, I work on myself. This was what I was intuitively doing. In between jobs, which had all been invitations, oh my gosh! I worked on myself in preparation for the next step. 

Waiting for the invitation also explains the feeling of not being heard. Sitting back, observing and waiting for someone to ask my opinion is what I need to do. The biggest challenge for me is waiting for that invitation to give advice. This is because I’m able to see the detail and the bigger picture of things and see what needs to be fixed, another aspect of my chart. I can see when people need help and what they should do about it, and it’s so tempting to butt in with advice. But it was also frustrating when people wouldn’t hear my advice. I’ve now learnt to sit back and wait to be asked, which is when that person is ready to hear the advice. This has been a challenging behaviour to stop, but by doing so, it’s stopped the feeling of not being heard and the frustration caused by people who are not willing to take my advice. 

Learning about my Human Design profile has allowed me to be more accepting of myself and life, and also to work on my natural gifts and talents, rather than berate myself for what I am clearly not.  I still battle with the purpose of life and the reason for my being here, but knowing that this is a part of me has allowed me to learn to accept it and enjoy life for what it is without questioning it. It also explains the thought I had within six weeks of starting my first house job: “There must be more to life than this”. Knowing that I need to wait for the invitation has made me trust in the universe more, and that waiting is not wasted time, because there are other things I can do in the meantime. It’s taken the pressure off me.

I’d like to thank Nette Hargreaves at www.empoweredhumandesign.com for her help in navigating my profile and providing an understanding of who I am. You can do your own chart for free through her website by clicking “get my chart”. 

If anything resonates in this blog that you’d like help with, why not book a free 20 min call with me to discuss how I may be able to help. This can be booked through my website.